Sometimes I wonder why I even bother...its like why I do I even bother wasting time and effort in a losing battle, or at a lost cause. Thinking back, it seems like my fingers are always pointed outwards, should it be time to turn that finger inwards? Am I the problem? Am I going about it the wrong way? I'm not talking about a romantic relationship here, but merely friendships and a relationship between a brother/brother or brother/sister. It feels like there is always a barrier somewhere, some kind of invisible shield. Is it that hard to be able to have and maintain connections? Sometimes it seems like when I try to get closer to Him, I end up getting further away from people. Ever since I came back from Passion, where I've striven to try to get to know Him more intimately, I seem to have messed up more relationships by either saying things that probably are better left unsaid, or I don't say things that I should. Sometimes it feels like I'm wasting time on the wrong relationships...trying to build something out of nothing, something that is non-existent, pursuing something that should not be pursued, and then I turn around and turn away ones I should invest time in building up...I need to get my head checked.
I feel like I hate (well..not hate since hate is such a strong word), but dislike(?) who I am/have become/am becoming?
Some random notes. I really really really do not have any motivation for school. Its been going on since mid-Feb, and to this date, I've probably skipped more classes then the ones I've attended. Granted, I did have 2 weeks where I was sick, and 1 week I skipped for TC, but even the weeks I'm in Waterloo - I just don't feel like going and attending classes. I think this third year in general has been pretty brutal for me academic wise...I'll need to find a way to dig deep and finish off strong, 3 exams next week and 1 is definitely not going to be pretty...
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
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When it comes to relationships, you can only do so much as a single person. In order for relationships to work out, the effort has to be MUTUAL, and BOTH people need to be putting out more than taking in (or at least their intentions should be).
Anyway. If you're not sure why the relationships you're focussing on rebuilding, trying to grow, aren't working out, and why the ones you aren't really paying attention to seem to be the "right ones" after the thought... pray about it. Talk about it to God, see what He says. But more than praying for the other person, and putting your effort in, there's little more you can do. Pray that God will move them to reciprocate the effort and care, and if it doesn't happen, then pray for the strength to move on.
Sometimes holding on the memories of past relationships ruin us because we're hoping to rebuild "what we had before" but since change is constant, things will never be the way they were in the "good old days". You just to accept that and move on. Either move on to another relationship, or move on in the current relationship and build from there, instead of trying to reconstruct "the ideal relationship that you had before".
I guess most importantly, if you're putting in the effort and you're not getting much in return... It's not your fault. Relationships aren't a one-way road.
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