Post Passion...

My reaction so far to everyone's question to "how's passion" has been "it was awesome, learned...or more like relearned alot of things"...but, what does that really mean? I've been thinking and rethinking what it all meant, how it all came together, and what I can do. I don't think it is something I have fathomed, nor is it something I can really put in writing within one post. My guess is that it can probably be more reflected by the changes over time..hopefully.

Ever since I've entered university, saying my spiritual life is like a roller coaster on rocky tracks is an understatement. I've been trying to hide it, trying to say to myself "it'll improve", but each time, I find myself saying "I'll get to it tomorrow". What it boils down to, I think is the fact that I no longer associate myself with a group where I belonged to that helped me with my spiritual walk. Throughout my days at MGC, and later the reason why I ultimately had to leave, was that I didn't feel I was growing. In my heart I still believed there was a reason God placed me in that church, and it was tough, very tough, to really pray to see where God was leading me to, and whether or not a change was necessary. With that said, I always had an avenue outside of the church itself where I was growing. Whether it was through TC or other things like online sermons/studies, I was striving to build a relationship with Him... But as I entered university, that flame that I had seemed to have been extinguished. I never really regained the passion to study his word (but then again, I never really regularly did "devos"). I slacked off in my prayer life, and when it comes down to it, most of the time, I was a walking hypocrite. Proclaiming to be a Christian, but other than believing that Jesus died on the cross for my sins and has redeemed me from death, I did nothing. I'm not saying faith along is not enough, in contrast, it is stated in the bible that all we need is faith as small as a mustard seen and nothing is impossible. - "Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you" (Matt 17:20). Anyways, I was simply a "believer", and not someone who continued to pursue a relationship with Him. Like a snowball rolling down a hill, it just kept growing and gaining momentum.

When it came to PassionDC...when you asked me at the beginning, "why are you going?", I would not have been able to give you an honest answer. Do I know now? Yes and no. I know why I was called to go, but I am yearning to find out more. I want to dig deeper...I am no longer interested in just scratching the surface. At points during Passion, I felt like I caught of a glimpse of heaven. No longer are people worried about what others will feel about the way they're worshiping, but rather it was genuine worship. So often I realized that, even myself, I wonder what people might think about me, that I am no longer genuinely worshiping. Its definitely an atmosphere I can get used to :D. Everyone around was there for one and only one reason, God. There were times in the past, I guess it was more during high school prior to the roller coaster (not to say there wasn't any back then), I've felt alone, I felt like I was the only one. But seeing 3000 other college (or university) students there, it was a great reminder. Not only am I not alone, but I'm part of a bigger army, God's army.

I feel like I'm rambling here...another reason why I should really start journal-ing. It feels like there were lots of time where I've had my thinking time, or mediation time, and then when I get back to it, most of it is gone. I guess it's hard to really gather all your thoughts at times...but yeah...I guess more to come...